Better Than Birthday Cake

I believe I’ve made it clear that I am no Martha Stewart. But when it comes to my kids, I’ll do whatever it takes. And sometimes I can fake it pretty dang good! You can too. Trust me, it’s never as hard as it looks.

The subject at hand: birthday cakes. Depending on how far along you are in your GFCF journey, you may already be able to whip up a delectable gluten-free cake that your non-GF guests will love. At the very least, anyone can use one of the many decent GFCF baking mixes out there, and it’s my experience that as long as there’s sugary frosting on top, the kids are not going to pay much attention to what’s underneath anyway.

But what if you’ve got extra allergies to contend with, like eggs, nuts, soy — or all of those and more? Or what if you’re still really brand-new to all this, and you’re just not up for baking yet, but you can’t exactly skip your kid’s birthday? Well I say, don’t let The Man tell you what is or is not a birthday cake!

.

This, ladies and gentlemen, isn’t just a birthday cake. It’s Better Than Birthday Cake.

.

Start with the biggest watermelon you can possibly find. If the only thing you can get in your area are those little “personal” watermelons, you can still do this, but you’re going to need at least three of them. First, cut out a circular slice about two inches wide. Ideally it will be as big around as possible, but will come from slightly off to the side of dead center. This is going to be the base, so make sure it’s nice and level. Watermelon actually trims really easily, just run a sharp knife flat along the surface until it’s evened out.

.

Next, cut a very thick slice from the center (that is, from the larger of the two halves you are now working with.) It should be at least 4 inches wide. If you’re using multiple smaller watermelons, this will have to come from the second watermelon. Run a knife vertically around the edge to cut the rind off, and pop the center out.

.

It’ll probably come out angular and a little ragged, but again, a sharp knife will carve off any rough edges with the barest of touches.

.

Stack your extra tall layer on top of your base, and then repeat the whole process with another smaller section from closer to the end of your watermelon. Go ahead and pry out any seeds that are close to the surface for a little added polish. Speaking of seeds: in a really large watermelon, the seeds may be quite abundant in the middle, and the smaller your rounded layers get, the more “middle” will be showing. I have, on occasion, gotten one of the personal watermelons just for the upper layers, because the middle of my gigantic watermelon looked like a pock-marked war zone.

.

As you get close to the end of your watermelon, you may find it’s easier to cut the rind off in sections and sculpt from there, rather than try to cut straight down in a small circle.

.

Lay out thin banana slices around the base, and use toothpicks to decorate with whatever small fruits you like on the upper layers. I will warn you, however, that no matter how much you may love strawberries, they just will not look good next to the red watermelon. Trust me, don’t go with the strawberries.

.

Now for the best part. Pineapple stars! If you’re extra lucky, starfruit will be in season, and you can just cross-cut a couple of those and be done with it. But us plebians can make do with a pineapple. First, hack off the ends of that beast, and cut the peel down from the sides.

.

Don’t worry if you leave a few bits from the rind around the edges. Next, slice your giant cylinder into rounds about a centimeter thick.

.

Mark out your star shape with toothpicks to make sure it’s nice and symmetrical before you start cutting. It’s easiest if you do it in two parts: first arrange five toothpicks in an even pentagon surrounding the core, and then add the five outer points to make a triangle coming off each side of the pentagon. Slice off the bits in between and you’re left with a perfect star. Lather, rinse, repeat.

.

Attach them to the sides of the cake with a toothpick through the middle, just like you did for the smaller fruits. Then it’s time to sit back and let all the other parents marvel at how creative, and fun, and healthy your kid’s birthday cake is. In fact, you don’t even have to tell them it’s because he’s on a special diet if you don’t want to, because this really is better than birthday cake.

.

Happy Eating!

 

.